8 OF 10

THE FAGGOT IN ME

From all these open calls, I imagined for one to be successful, at least if I was lucky. All sudden I get these mails, with positive news. From a clear schedule to quite a busy schedule in some weeks. I was so happy to be granted all these opportunities, they all help me to grow as an artist, but also to realize the harsh reality of this future. It is not the easy way out; it is the tough, no time to rest, no time to cook, no time for friends, no energy to clean, no energy to read way out. I am constantly busy with all these things I want to achieve, and guess what, I love it. For the first time in my life, I can get some satisfaction from something I ‘must’ do.

Together with my friend Floor, I performed at CLUB CHURCH in Amsterdam. We had no limitations; we only knew one thing; the performance would happen during one of their parties. I am now performing in a queer club, with the most loving crowd, in the most interesting environment I have ever been, and I get paid for it. I am stunned.

For the first time, I got to experience the love of the queer community. For all these years, I have felt like an outcast within this community. Almost as if I was not queer enough to join it, or I was not pretty enough or not whatever enough. I have embraced my sexuality for a few years now, but I am expressing it more and more. My work helps me with this evolution: my work is a safe space to experiment; some elements also get to join me in my daily life.

Some years ago, I would have said that society hates me, that everybody hated me and that I’m a nobody who will never experience a feeling of self-worth. I am extremely amazed by how creating and working has been such a great medium for personal acceptance.

It feels like a paradox to me. The more personal my work becomes, the more I can be part of my world, or the more people get to join it. It feels like I am accepting my introvert persona, whilst showing this persona to people and thus get in touch with them. A turning inside of myself, which leads to turning myself to others or society.

This also resulted in personal research into queer history. Different books and podcasts have informed me about this future, which I might be a part of. Or at least, this history influences my life in different ways. It hurts my heart to look at the past and all the energy people used to fight for their rights and existence. Today, we are still obliged to fight for ourselves and especially others. Here again comes an interest in time or history and the moral linearity it inhabits. Looking back, maybe we don’t live in the best time for queer people right now. But then again, maybe the best time for queer people was on its own not the best time for other people etc. Maybe the world will forever be an inequal thing that we can’t fix. I think my recent interest in politics and the influence it can or can’t have originates from these thoughts.