4 OF 10

THE LACK OF A DAD

When I was four years old, my dad passed away unexpectedly. I was not aware of the consequences. I recall myself comforting my mother, as I did not understand her grief. I lost a loved one, although I did not really know him.

You can imagine the loss of a parent being harsh. However, what I particularly remember, is the change in behaviour of my surroundings. This sudden loss first results in sympathy. Later on, as the shock vanishes, people expect you to move on. For me, moving on was impossible, as I did not know what to move on from. As time passes, peoples understanding decreases. People tend to reflect their memories on me, as I would be the embodiment of my father. This has led to dissapointment and misunderstanding.

During my life, I encountered people who believe this lack of a dad has a grave impact on me. They argue I missed out on masculinity. For them, it is a way to justify me: my expression, mannerisms and sexuality. I do not agree on this, though it makes me ask questions: am I the result of absence?

I want to emphasise I see the loss of my father as an absence of him as a person, not of him being a man. Nevertheless, I do struggle with the idea of masculinity. I think, as unrealistic this may sound, the world is a female driven thing. I have very deliberately refused masculinity from my life, because I simply had no need for it. Thus being a man means nothing to me. It is society forcing me to think about what it means.

In my practice, I can deliberately cut off a direct link with society. I can create an environment for myself to discover who I am, without considering societal norms. Obviously this influences my personal life and thus can’t be seen separate from society. I guess I try to answer these questions in a particular way: reflect on them outside of reality, allowing me to later mix them with experience. In a sense, I have created a kind of personal mechanism to deal with myself in relation to society.

I don’t want my work to embody my experience, I need my experience to allow me to understand my work, by extension also other people’s work and experiences. I guess these thoughts will remain thoughout my time as an artist and a person, maybe my questions will always remain unanswered. I feel like my goal as an artist is not to answer these questions, but to keep asking them to myself and others.