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THE SUPREME GOAL

Let’s talk about what’s happening now. This year I started with a new version of myself. Thanks to therapy and medication, I can now handle my anxiety and emotions better. I now have the mental space to reflect on the past years, whilst also dreaming about a possible future with a future version of myself and thus my work. In November, I was working on an untitled performance. It all started from a video from when I was younger, dancing together with my friends on a school festival. When I see this video, I see a younger and happier version of myself. This dance was performed in elementary school, before things started to get bad.

It makes me emotional, to see this version of myself that I have been trying to find for all these years. He was there, but he got buried deep inside my imagination. I had a new goal: trying to regain the power to embrace this eccentric persona. Lots of this power for me lies in acceptance. I must accept myself, my experiences and especially my fear.

I feel like from now on, this tour has a different approach. In the following texts, I would like to be optimistic and generous towards what might happen. I’m getting older, or rather, I am growing as a person. Now that my physical growth has come to a limit, I feel like it’s finally time for my mind to grow.

This untitled performance was a first approach at using elements of the past, accepting them and trying to redirect them. It was also the first time my work was critical about this future version of myself. Instead of the ‘I don’t care’ or the ‘I shall see’ approach, I am now more invested in how I am partly responsible for what life and work can be for me and how my actions can interfere with other’s needs or ideas. This research also taught me a lot about performance as a medium, on how to approach it, how to deal with it. This was mostly based on a misunderstanding. I showed a version of the piece on a jury, and I invited a lot of people. As a result, people perceived it as a finished thing, as if there was no space for feedback or reflection. The few minutes after the performance, I was so vulnerable, because maybe I also performed it with the wrong mindset. Right there I realized the importance of rehearsal, on deliberately asking for feedback and thoughts. It is placing myself in a vulnerable position: instead of being judged on the street beyond my own control, I now ask people to sit, watch and judge me and my work. It is necessary, but it is an approach I had to learn to deal with.

Eventually, I never performed or rehearsed the piece again, but I must consider it one of the most important works in my limited career. Instead of putting all the pressure on the result, I learned to appreciate the process. I learned to ask critical questions to myself, trying to watch my work as an outsider. Once again: it is about me, but how important am I? could somebody else perform the piece and would it then still be considered my work or my story?

All sudden, everything felt like a serious decision. I must deliberately make them, because the choices I make say something about my intention. They influence the work, but also me as an artist and how I reflect in other people’s minds. All these realizations led to me applying for different projects and open calls, as if this semester was a necessary step to take. I start to prepare myself to say goodbye to the safe environment that school offers me. I feel like I am ready to enter the real world.